Twilight Tears

What do I say, it’s been too long. It usually has when I get the impulse to update.

Things have been going well in my life. I am still working on school applications and wedding plans. (I will get to that soon). But the real reason I am writing is because today was a big day for me. A lot of people are saying that because of the election and the huge historical relevance it will soon have, but for me it was a personal victory. I put in my notice at work today. I will be leaving my job as of December 12th. I was a little scared of how everyone would react, but I couldn’t wait any longer for the sake of my clients. My bosses were wonderful. The all told me how much they would miss me and how happy they are for me. One even said, “We won’t be able to replace you, but we will find someone to do your job.”

I cried today… a lot. I think the gravity of it all is starting to sink in. There is no turning back now. I am moving back to Denver. December is right around the corner and I will soon have very little left to tie me to this city. I’m going home. :) And when I get back I will be only a few months until my wedding. EEK!

Things on that front are going well also. I have a million things left to do but I am feeling like we are making progress. All but one of the bridesmaids’ dresses are done. And I think they are going to look fabulous. We have the photographer and DJ all set up. The invitations are also done and we will be getting them in the mail in December. We got registered a month ago, and after adding a few more things at Christmas that will be done too. (Check online at Target or Crate and Barrel if you want to get a head start on shopping). We will be finalizing the food, cake, flowers, and tuxes over Christmas break. We will also be doing an engagement shoot, meeting with our reverend, and I’ll be having my first gown fitting while we are home. (EEK!) Sounds like I’m almost done right? Haha…. I wish. :)

Right now I am relieved and a little excited. Change is on the horizon. And I mean that in every way possible. ;)

So the move is officially over (more or less). I swear Paul and I have been running blindly toward Saturday for the last month, trying to will ourselves to pack a little more or clean one more thing every night before bed. This has been further complicated by the fact that I have had either rehearsals or auditions just about every night of every week (sigh). Never the less we made it, and with only mild sleep deprivation!

The plan was that we would pick one day and have the moving company empty both of our places. This day was Saturday. :) Friday night I still had more things to pack, empty, and clean off so we were up until 2:00am getting everything ready. The next morning we got up at 9:00am packed one last load into Paul’s car and then headed over to his place to wait with our Starbucks. The movers had told us to be ready a few hours before "just in case." I got to spend a blissful two hours reading my book and drinking my coffee while Paul finished a few last things in his place. The movers came promptly at 1:00 and worked until 7:00 that night. We didn’t get to eat again until 8:00 which only intensified the whole experience.

Overall though I am really happy with them minus one pretty major scratch they put in my floor but Paul is going to work on it and the boss man said he would come help him if it was an issue.

After dinner we worked until 3am Saturday night trying to get all the furniture in a reasonable order and trying to find our bed so we could go to sleep. Sunday was then spent prepping my place for my vacation, unloading and organizing the new place, and of course watching a little Shark Week on our new Comcast. :) I love the new apartment. It is so big and open and really feels like a home for us, together. I know Paul is still a little overwhelmed by the chaos of it all but we are making progress.

I am now really excited because I am only working two days this week and they are both really low key. (2 visits and two meetings tops). Then I can spend my nights working on the apartment. Wednesday is Paul and my 1 year anniversary so we are going out to a super swank dinner Tuesday night and then spending the day together Wednesday (maybe at a water park! Yay!). Then Wednesday night I fly home to Denver for a whole week. :D I feel like I have been killing myself to make it to this point and now I am so freaking happy I am here! ;)

I had the best weekend. It was totally relaxing and everything I needed to prepare myself for the week.

The big outing was on Friday. Paul, Juj and I went to Evanston and saw Wanted (which was seriously awesome), ate dinner at Chilies and then watched a fabulous fireworks display on the lake. It was a little cold for July but it was totally worth it. I missed going with Juj and Paul last year because I was knee deep in break up drama. So it was nice being there this time around. And it gave me the chance to reflect on how much has happened since this time last year.

Paul and I spent the rest of the weekend packing, drinking, and relaxing. I even picked up the sweater I have had on hold for almost a month and knitted like 20 rows in one night. :) I think we watched a total of 6 movies and a full season of Friends. It was perfect.

Now back to the audition grind, the moving frenzy, and of course work work work. (sigh)

So this was an emotional weekend for me. There were a lot of good things that happened and there were some things that have royally pissed me off. As is always the case with me, the drama comes because of theater.

My show Crumble closed this weekend. The show itself was a wonderful experience. I loved the cast, made some great new friends, and I got to put my abilities to the test. Although I have been acting in the city in a professional capacity for 3 years most of my work has been improv. And this was the first dramatic lead I have had since moving. And what was even more challenging was the show ultimately was about suicide. (The play ends with my character getting the news that her boy friend has killed himself). Now given my history I was both thrilled and terrified to get the part. I knew I would be able to bring a honesty to the role and what’s more I felt an obligation to tell this story. But I was very nervous that I would actually be able to do it. But at the end of the day (I was told) I nailed it. I made people cry every night! :) So this experience ending is both good and bad.

Also this weekend my parents (who were coming to see my show) and Paul’s parents (who were coming to see my show) got to meet each other. This was hands down the best part of my weekend. They got along great, they all loved the show, and I got to perform for my Dad for the first time in 3 years. I was more emotional than normal when they left today. I think that was just because the whole experience was so special to me.

Now I’m pissed because I also invited like a million of my acting and work friends to come and see this show. And a good dozen of them promised me this would be the show they came to see. I got my hopes up, which I shouldn’t have, but at some point you just want to know that you matter, that these friendships are real and lasting. Only 2 people showed up to the entire run. And to tell you the truth, I was furious. The thing that bugs me is that people don’t just say “I can’t make this one sorry.” They spew all this shit about adjusting schedules and checking with their SO’s when they know they aren’t going to come. Just be honest, how fucking hard is that?!?

There were three people in particular from work who promised me up and down that they were not going to miss this. They made a huge deal about it, told me about the plans they were making to come, and bragged about it to other people in the office. And when they didn’t show I told myself it must have been an emergency. But today I found out it was nothing more than a birthday party and a bad mood that kept them at home. And what’s more they had the nerve to ask me how it went and swear they will make “the next one.”

This sort of stuff is really starting to get to me. I was disappointed when no one came to my Birthday party, and I was hurt when my incubator team went to see 3 other teammate’s shows but decided as a group not to attend mine, but now I am officially pissed off. Why can’t people give a shit? Why is my friendship the one that gets neglected and ignored while others are fostered? Am I just that invisible? Or is it simply that all the so called friends I have made in Chicago are never going to be more than just good acquaintances. Maybe these people are not meant to be lasting presences in my life. But how sad that I have spent 3 years in this city and I have only one real friend to show for it.

I know that I have a dozen amazing friends scattered across this country who would have been front row center if they could have. But I still want some of the people in this city that I am so grateful to have met and worked with to give a damn. Maybe that’s greedy or selfish of me… but that’s how I feel.

So I know it has been FOREVER since I updated, but for good reason. I am seriously crazy busy. Other than the fact that we are getting ready for a federal review at work (which is insane) and I am still trying to plan a wedding from a totally different state... things have been good.

Last weekend I did a call back for an original show "Crumble" going up at the end of June. It is a dark play about OCD and depression which means some serious chops as a prereq. I thought I had a good audition but was thinking (as usual) they would go with someone else. However Sunday night I got a call and it turns out they cast me! I am actually playing the romantic lead (eek) and I have a shit ton of lines to memorize in like two weeks. We had our first rehearsal last night and I really like the cast. So needless to say the next few weeks are going to be a little crazy. But I'm seriously excited. :)

Ok, I am not going to start this entry off with an apology, I suck at updating, we all know this.

In any case, my life: I am still studying like a madwoman for the GRE’s. They are just three weeks away so if I can just keep my nose to the grind stone for a little longer it will soon be over. (And hopefully I will have a good score to show for it).

The weather here has been so very unpleasant. We have had rain, snow, freezing rain, sun long enough to melt the snow and freeze, and of course the ever present WIND. Paul and I am both ready to move and be done with it. Of course I think everyone in Chicago feels this way this time of year. Give it a month and we will all be complaining about the heat… I guarantee it.

I’ve had a few disappointments with my improv teams lately. The worst of which being my favorite team disbanded when our director had to move home due to a personal tragedy. We are all sad for him and sad for the show. However, my incubator team has finally hit its stride. We have a form at long long last that we all love and our shows just keep getting better. I have one tonight and I am looking forward to it, even though I am exhausted.

That being said, Paul and I just spent the last week in Denver. He was on spring break and I had saved up the vacation in anticipation on this busy and necessary planning week. We got in late Thursday night after our flight got delayed 3 ½ hours. Mia was there with bells on to pick us up and get us home. Friday we saw 5 reception halls and didn’t really like any of them. Saturday we had a “get to know Paul” party which was sooo fun. Sunday we Church hopped and decided on St. T’s as the site for our actually “I do’s.” Monday we went to one last hotel, crossing our fingers, and fell in love. We sampled the amazing food, and decided to return Tuesday to speak to the sales rep. That night we met with and signed the contracts for our photographers. Tuesday we did our tentative guest list and returned to the dream local. After few simple questions we put it down in blood (kidding) that we are on for a wedding.

I am officially getting married April 25th of next year. We are waiting for one last conformation from a groom’s man and then the wedding party will be set too. I need to do a menu, cake, DJ, and flowers next time I’m home as well as get fitted for my dress. And Mia and I are hopefully getting the save the dates in the mail soon. But I would say that I am kicking ass in the wedding planning department. :)

Other than that I am just trying to catch up on sleep. Apparently the side effect of marathon reception hall shopping is anxiety dreams about reception halls. Who knew?

Eebe told most of what there was to tell about her visit to Chicago. It was just about the best time EVER!!! My stomach muscles are still aching from all the laughing.

We did the improv thing, the tourist thing, the eating at bad diner thing (PEA SWEATS), and the running around in the snow like crazy people thing. I felt like it was the perfect group dynamic all weekend. Paul was able to fit in just fine, and thank god he wasn’t scared of us! ;) He actually had a great time with everyone. Although he told me later that a lot of the times he and Mark were talking they were just making fun of me and Erica. :D

We were all totally exhausted at the end of the trip, but I for one was happier than I had been in a while. The bottom line is that I miss that girl! We have one of those friendships where it is so easy to pick up right were we left off, no questions asked. But this whole weekend made me realize that I don’t want to go so long without seeing her. So that just means I have to get my butt to Cinci more often. ;)

Thanks for coming guys. It was perfect. Even if we were unaware of the danger that lurked.

As most of you have heard, I had a great Christmas.

After finishing my very long week without Paul I flew home to Denver. On the 22nd I went in for my hair appointment without fear and chopped off almost 11 inches. The pony tail weighed about the same as a can of soup and I donated it to locks of love. The next hair cut is also so fun and easy. See my facebook account for pix.

I spent the rest of my vacation watching movies, drinking, shopping, playing rock band with Lox and Kat (loved her by the by) and going to pick out new knitting projects. It was a strange Christmas in the sense that a lot of the gift giving was done before the 25th. Alex gave me a game early so we could play it. Dad’s Kier Royals fixings and wine came early so we could all partake. But Christmas day was still wonderful fun.

We spent the evening (in the midst of the 8inches of snow we got) at the Jenn’s having a wonderful dinner. Erica was sweet enough to share her family with me at the end of the night and I played the “base” for the girls as they tried to escape the tickle giants. I also got to see the Moser’s for one blissful night before they left for Steamboat. It is always wonderful to see them, even if it’s just for 12 hours. The last night in town was then spent playing games with the Frohardts.

The 27th brought in another monster blizzard which of course was the day I was supposed to fly to Tennessee. I got on my plane on time and after an hour and a half sitting on the runway we were able to leave. I found out later that we were the last flight to get out of Denver. After we left the whole city shut down. Airport closed, schools closed, government offices closed. Johanna 2, blizzards 0. Paul met me at the airport and we make the two and a half hour drive back to his parent’s house. (Which is beautiful!)

Friday the 28th we relaxed most of the day and then Paul and I went out to dinner. We had a decadent 3 course meal: baked brie on a puff pastry with fresh fruit to start. Then I had the fresh black grouper over sun dried tomato and spinach orzo and Paul had the New York strip with mashed potatoes. All of this with an amazing bottle of red wine. After dinner Paul proposed. (That’s right! You read that correctly, I’m engaged). He got down on one knee and everything in the Restaurant. It was perfect. Then the executive chef came out with an original, not on the menu, congratulation desert for us. It was a rich flowerless chocolate cake with a chocolate raspberry mouse within a chocolate shell covered in fresh raspberries. Needless to say it was AMAZING!!! We came back home to find Paul’s parents waiting with champagne and strawberries. I found out later that they had all gone to help Paul pick out the ring. Apparently they like me!

Again my facebook account has pictures of the ring and us the night of.

We spent the rest of the trip hanging out with David which was too fun. We also went to see Dewy Cox and Sweeny Todd. The later of which was fucking awesome. We flew back together on Monday. Yesterday I had to come back to work but Paul went and picked up his Christmas present from his dad. He got a brand new HD flat screen TV which of course he set up where he spends all his time, my place! It is really amazing to watch.

I can’t put into words how happy I am. I feel like I am the luckiest person ever. Paul starts school today and I have mad GRE studying to do. And on top of that the next Profiles show open’s in 2 weeks and I just got cast in a third show. (I’m crazy but I am really excited for it)

Overall I think 2008 is going to be a great year!

I feel like its time for an update. Maybe because I am just sitting here at work today with nothing to do, but that’s a good enough reason for me. ;)

This last weekend was wonderful. I got to do something that I have been waiting to do for a long time. Paul and I bought a Christmas tree! Now this may seem really silly, but to me it is sooo representational of my future and our commitment to one another. I tried to get Austen to do this with me every year since we moved, but he wouldn’t. There wasn’t enough space, there wasn’t a point, we didn’t really need one until we got married, etc. But the second I even hinted to Paul that I had been wanting this for a long long time he took me right to the store and we got it. OUR TREE! I know not everyone has such ideals about Christmas or the Holidays. But for me this was the one and only time of the year I could count on my whole family being around. My dad missed a lot of my life, but he always was home for Christmas, and what’s more he always played with us and spent some much needed, uninterrupted time with us. So when I think about growing up, when I think about starting my own family some day, having a tree and traditions are a huge part of it. And I guess the simple fact that Paul got that means everything to me.

We spent Sunday buying little ornaments that we can’t afford but that we both knew we would look back on years from now and think, these were our first! We are planning on having a decoration day sometime this weekend. We are going to get apple cider and play music and just decorate the tree together. It all makes me so happy I can’t even fully explain it.

As for the rest of the Holiday, it should be wonderful. I get out of work early today which is amazing, then Paul and I will be spending our evening at his show and maybe out with the cast later. Then we are going to his Aunt and Uncle’s for dinner tomorrow night. So I will be meeting the first part of his family (I’m sooo excited). Then we have the whole rest of the weekend together. So in the ever cliché words… I guess I have a lot to be thankful for.

Quick update, because my last entry was so sad. I have actually had a pretty fun week give or take my consistent frustrations with auditions.

First off things got better Tuesday night when Paul and I got a chance to see each other and talk. Then Wednesday I was feeling so happy because we were going to the opening party and I had a busy enough day that I wasn’t going to be sitting around watching the clock. Well on my lunch break I went to the grocery store to buy a bottle of wine for the party and they were having their “grand reopening” post construction. Well I didn’t have time to sample all the free food so I just got what I came for and headed to the check out. When I swiped my card the machine started to beep and whistle and I started freaking out that my card was maxed out or something. The cashier turns to me and says, “You just won an ipod shuffle, congrats.” I think I starred at her for a while because I thought it had to be some kind of a trick, but then she handed me a brand new ipod! :) GOOD DAY. Then everyone at the office freaked out so much that I won they all went and did their grocery shopping that day and not one person brought anything more interesting than a coupon book back to the office. Then I got to go the Paul’s show (which was fucking sensational), party with friends, and of course get completely sleep deprived for the rest of the week. "hehe" It was a great time.

Thursday I could barely keep my eyes open, so when my bosses call me in to their office I was so worried I was going to get a talking to. But it turns out that they have selected me, out of the whole office, to be trained as an Infant Massage Therapist. They are going to pay my way and at the end of it I will be working with the whole program (all our families) as the massage expert. Plus the certification is mine, meaning it will be a permanent addition to my resume. No matter what I do with the rest of my life I will always be an infant massage therapist. Talk about flattering! :)

Now I am spitting distance from the end of my week and I actually get to spend my whole weekend with my bf (first time in a long time). Then next week starts the “meet Paul’s family marathon.” YAY!

Before I get into the drama let me back up a little. I have been working at this theater here for a while now. I started by taking classes there, got to know the artistic director and the theater’s style and fell in love. High quality, non-equity, Meisner based… need I say more? I got hired to do costumes on a show last year and I worked every weekend for 10 some months. I met Paul at this theater. I like it there. Then this summer the artistic director tells me he is going to be bringing me in for some auditions at some point. He never said when, but I got my hopes up that it would be for the show that just opened, last night. I was hoping to get cast across from Paul in a scene we were both dying to do. He got the role, I was not even asked to audition. So last night I went as a good girl friend to sit there in the audience, and cheer him on as he did the scene with another girl. All this was harder a month ago when I thought about having to do it than when I actually did it last night.

But after the show (which was wonderful) we got trapped in the typical disorganized theater schedule. Paul had to stay and take pictures, no one knew how long it would take, and as it got later I got more and more dependent on him being my ride home. At 12:30am I was just about at my limit. I was sitting there thinking, "I am only here, in this place for him, to support him." It hurt to be there, to look at all the pictures of the happy actors and feel that jealousy again. To wonder why the hell I am in, yet another group, where I am sitting on the outside. I felt like I was 15 again. I couldn’t talk to Paul because he was working and I couldn’t keep waiting because I had to come to work today and every second I sat there I got more and more angry and irrational. So I did something stupid and dramatic (as usual). I took the bus home and left him a 3 sentence note. Needless to say he was pissed and we spent most of the night on the phone talking things out and making sure we were fine (which we are now). We both agreed it was a bad situation and could not have been resolved any better.

But this morning when I woke up alone, I had this moment where I felt scared and powerless. I felt like this drama thing in me is so volatile and unpredictable that it’s like a dormant monster. I heard all the things Austen (unfairly) blamed me for and all the horror I felt when I realized I didn’t know anything about my own relationship. Now the good thing is that I know that my relationship with Paul is more healthy and mature than anything I had with Austen ever was, but there was this second where I felt like it was all my fault. That I was actually the reason behind all the failed relationships. Why Josh abused me, James got bored, and why Austen lied to me for months and months on end. That this thing, this drama is my Hyde, lurking inside me and just waiting to take me over and destroy everything I love. And that was a horrible thing to see.

After I talked to Paul today I felt a lot better. But that thought was something I think I need to put down somewhere so I can remember it for all the reasons it is absurt and untrue, and all the reasons that it is accurate as well. :/

Not too much new to update on, but I thought I would put down a few things none the less.

I have still been crazy busy the last few weeks. I had a kick ass audition last week where I got VERY close to getting a major role (like we are talking call back after call back) but in the end they went with someone else. I was bummed, but more than anything it just felt good to get some feed back.

My LIT show reopens this week. I'm excited to continue but there aren't that many people coming. (Minus of course the week when Paul's whole family will be there. eek!) Paul's show also opens next week so he has been crazy busy doing tech this week. Hopefully if we make it through next week we will have a little more time together.

The only other big news is that I have decided, after much back and forth, to cut my hair! (My mom is still in shock) But I am doing it. I am going short and hopefully it will be great. I am a little nervous because long hair has been my thing for SO long, but I am ready for a change. And with the wind and the humidity here I can’t do anything but ponytail it most days. And I am starting to feel frumpy. So as of December 22 I will be chop chop chopping. And giving the rest to locks of love. :)

So I have been meaning to update for a while. But two things keep stopping me. One I continually feel like I don’t have that much new stuff to tell, and second I am convinced that no one really reads my stuff (so it doesn’t matter anyway). But as Jenni has just proved me wrong and requested an update, here it is.

I am still working my job which is fine, although I don’t have enough clients right now to keep my busy. So I’m kinda playing a waiting game until Christmas. I have decided I am going back to school. So I am studying for my up coming GRE’s and I am working diligently to get my application looking spotless. It will be a long while before I am actually back, but I have a plan and that feels great.

I am still doing a lot of improv right now. My Theatre Momentum show “Lost in Translation” just got picked up for an extension at Second City. We closed our current run on Weds, then we go back into rehearsals for a couple more weeks and then open Mid Nov for another 5 weeks. I love the group so it’s nice that we are getting to stay together. I am also performing with my incubator team (CEO of Everything) at the Playground. It is a great group also and we are working right now on getting to know each other better, which is my favorite part of improv. ;)

I have been desperate since the break up to get into a show where I can just be with a character for a little longer. This has NOT been happening. I was all set to do an audition for a show that I loved at the theater where I work, but they got behind schedule and just cast the thing out of past auditions. I was really pissed but I am too busy being supportive because Paul is in the show and it’s going to be wonderful for that reason alone. It opens next month, and then I will be living at the theater. Until then I have about a million auditions set up. So that gives me something to do. ;)

And now the relationship… It is perfect. Despite our crazy busy schedules we are finding time to spend together. I have never been this happy. It is very serious and one of the best things in my life right now. We are going to move in together next summer and I am going to Tennessee in January to meet his family. My mom and Deb have both given me their seal of approval, so… there you go.

That is about all I’ve got. I miss you all, and I will try and update more regularly. Even if it is boring. ;)

I have been sitting here today battling with a headache and I kept thinking I don’t know why…. But the reality is I have been going like crazy for the last couple weeks. So it is no wonder to me that I am getting sick. (Just don’t tell my dad cause he will give me a big fat “I told you so”).

Friday night was a ton of fun. I got all gussied up and went and met Ryan for dinner. We had great Mexican, GREAT margaritas, and a great talk. It has been forever since I have seen him and I am really excited to kick-start our friendship again. : ) I tried to see Paul post dinner but he was stuck at the theater until 11:30. And when he got home we were both freaking exhausted, so we called it an early night.

Saturday we got up really early because Paul had to meet his scene partner and I had a date with a radiologist. I spent like an hour (less time than I had anticipated) getting my back x-rayed (finally). I have a few days to wait for results but hopefully this will be the start of my healing process. Here’s to no more pain. I came home after napped and lunched and got all ready for my audition at the Playground. We were there for about 2 hours and it went really well. Afterwards I even got to have dinner with my honey. We came home and spent the night… reading sides…. theater dorks, I KNOW!

Sunday went by in a blur. I got called back so I had to get up early, again. Paul gave me a good breakfast and a ride to the theater (so sweet). And again I had a solid audition. 2 hours later Paul and I were drinking smoothies and watching Super Bad (YEAH!) Then we grabbed some dinner and paint clothes and headed to the theater to paint all night long.

Upsides of the weekend: Time with Paul of course, and I am now a member of the newest Incubator team at the Playground. Following in the foot steps of many a TP alum before me. :)
Downside: I was up to 12 last night with painting and whatnot, I didn’t get to sit down and relax once all weekend, and I am now going to have to run my errands tonight at 10:00 when rehearsal gets out. :(

This week I have my first meeting for my new team, my show opens, and Deb is coming in to town. I am actually hoping that people are too busy to see me over Labor Day so I can find time to sleep in. Overall it was a nice weekend, give or take a headache.

There are two kinds of people in this world. First there are the people who fall in love in a heart beat. They give their hearts away without a second thought and throw themselves head first into their relationships. These people are more likely to have romantic ideals, more likely to sacrifice for the one they love, and more likely to be hurt by the one the love. Just because this type of person can love effortlessly, doesn’t mean they get it right. They trust the person who has their heart, but often the heart comes back to them, and it is rarely in one piece. If you receive the heart of this person it is likely that it will have scars, breaks, even irreparable damage. But it will still beat, and you will still be surprised how quickly they will give it to you.

The second type is the person who is scared of love. They have been jaded by others stories, by the fear of loss. The idea of pain terrifies them so much they are unwilling to even try to open themselves up to that risk and yet unable to stop wishing they could. They are colder, more reserved, rational and calculating about an emotion that is unpredictable. Their heart is perfect, unaltered, eternally protected. And because they have never given it away they don’t know how. If you could ever see this heart, there wouldn’t be a scratch on it, yet it would be unprepared, novice, and quite possibly uncomfortable surrendering to you.

So which is better? Broken and open, or perfect and closed? I suppose either way is hard because love is rarely easy.

So at last count…
5 co-workers, 3 clients, 3 theater friends, 2 cast mates, 1 producer, and my boy friend have all told me they think I’ve lost weight.
So that must mean its working right?!? :)

I had this strange moment Saturday morning. I was on the train on my way back to my apartment at 7am, and as we pulled into the station there stood a women in scrubs clearly on her way to work. She had her make up done, her hair pulled up and styled with a head band, sipping her coffee bright eyed and ready for the day. And here I come stepping of the train, fully enjoying my walk of shame; bed headed, makeup smudged, still dressed for a party but in that morning after way where it is painfully clear how much you wish that cute outfit was your pjs. And this women and I made eye contact, for just a second. Both looking the other over and taking in the full effect of our opposite states. And I though to myself, this has never been my roll before. At 7am I have always been the women waiting for the train, not the girl getting off it. And even if I am just trying this on, it was honestly kinda nice.

I wish there were words for you
The pure seduction of anticipation
Drowned in verbal impotency
I’ve always wished there were words

But since we seem unable to speak
I surrender to the language of our bodies
The determined patience of the writhing calm
And while we say nothing
I learn what you mean to say

The silence screams
And in the shadows of my mind I know
I’ll wish we could go back
To wishing there were words

BJ
8/6/07

So my show for this round of TM just ended. And closing night I had one of the missed connections ads that we read. Now these are real ads that have been taken off line from the actual site.

That night mine was actually really pathetic about a woman who scans the ads all the time hoping someone somewhere will notice her. I decided to read it really honestly hoping that the audience would laugh at how pathetic I was. But instead it was totally silent. I mean you could hear breathing. And I kept thinking "man, what am I doing wrong here?" After the show in the green room, my cast told me that they all felt so bad for me. They said I had acted it so well they didn’t want to laugh, they wanted to help. ("hehe") So I'm laughing about this as we leave the theater. And on the way out this older man comes up to me and takes my hand in his and says, "you are a beautiful girl.... don't give up!"

I didn't have the heart to remind him that I hadn't actually written it myself. :) But I guess it says something about my acting.



...not to mention it’s fucking hilarious! :)

Harry: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours. Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry: I was being nice!


"Its an expensive task ripping one life back into two."